You know he is alive, not in jail and tends to pay his phone bills, so what’s up with the deafening silence? Why has he not called or texted since our last date? We were hitting it off, so you thought. Interest was there, timing, and attraction. He was in to me…so you thought. Was he just testing his “game”? Trying to make another jealous? Does he change girlfriends more often than underwear? Does he “go commando”? Did an “old flame” turn up to revisit him? I’m tired of asking why. “Ugh”, you scream! “What’s the deal”?
A noble reason may be that your virtuous persona stirred his guilt and shame (including a lasting commitment or exclusivity). He knows he cannot fulfill or live up to your expectations. The short more probable answer according to most motivational psychologists is he most likely is not getting from you what he wants. But hey, intuitively, you most likely already knew that!
“I’ve got to know the specific reason why”, you say! Really? Some of us need closure to our conversations as we do to our projects while others do not. You want to become more attractive, not make a similar mistake (if that was the reason) and be the perfect mate for future Mr. Right! Correct? Can you handle the truth if it is personal and painful? (Don’t ask Jack Nicholson if you have seen the movie, “A Few Good Men”.). Oftentimes, the truth has nothing at all to do with you! The other person had priority issues or emergencies of family, health and career that were eminent. Perhaps your timing and passage in life is not matched up with his at this time. He may be a private individual and/or a non-confrontational type. You may not ever get the explanation and the true picture.
But men generally tend to be more straight-forward, predictable and simple compared to women. Right? Yes, but behavior and motives can be complex at times, as are affairs of the heart. You want to understand a man the way you want to be understood.
Please excuse me if categorizing some of these reasons turns you off, but there is a myriad of reasons for the call stoppage depending on interactive behaviors, pending circumstances (i.e. health or financial worries, grief, mind-sets (i.e. varying expectations), passage in life, and emotional baggage (often associated with trust and/or bonding, trauma/abuse, neglect and/or abandonment). Let’s review the possible reasons below:
- One-On-One Factors between you both
- Pace of interest. There is a drummer tempo in all of us relating to most things we attempt to do whether it is career, social, recreational or whatever.
- Too fast and a person feels smothered without free time or choice or change of pattern
- Too slow and a person feels unwanted, neglected, and/or undeserved
- Communication is:
- too little, so it’s like pulling teeth to understand you
- too much, so he is worn out trying to listen
- evasive often, so trust is an issue
- so transparent you appear needy, clingy, ditsy or without good judgement
- too shallow (uninformed) or all about you
- too deep and/or condescending like Shelton of “The Big Bang Theory” TV series.
- Emphasizes those “love languages” ** of the 5 you find less important (i.e. quality time, affirming words, gifts, acts of service and touch/sex).
- Effort level in humor and/or entertainment is
- Over the top, too much, appear trying too hard
- Too lacking so you appear not motivated, boring, uninformed, etc.
- Your emotional expression is “Kardashian” as in drama queen of spades
- Confidence level reflects:
- too opinionated, inflexible, stubbornness, arrogance or narcissism
- low/poor self-esteem, little aspiration for future, little potential, negativism or failure
- Mindfully enjoying the present and your presence in the here and now makes you feel important and worthwhile. This mindfulness is reflected in rapport, eye contact and attention, voice inflection and content that follows your train of thought and finally in behaviors that compliment your conversation, interests, needs and values. A sense of shared interest, enthusiasm, expectations, plans and behaviors result. One may feel good “vibes”, connections and sometimes hormonal fireworks!
- If one partner’s mind dwells too much in the past there are unresolved issues trying to surface and that may undermine or dominate the relationship.
- If one partner’s mind dwells too much in the future there are factors of their past that they wish to forget and/or replace that deserve some attention and may eventually undermine or dominate the relationship. An over-emphasis on the future usually results in burning bridges of the past.
- Being “flighty”: Accelerated speech which changes subjects/tense rapidly as one appears to take rabbit trails everywhere is also a red flag and turn-off.
As you both finish your date, is the next meeting visualized and settled? Do either confirm the next step or scheduled conversation?
- Too many benefits too fast to work for it. You are devalued when you are too easy.
- He is defined as an “aromantic” or “asexual” type of individual. That is, he does not experience romantic and sexual attraction normally as most do so*. They like you without sexual or romantic motivations due to a blend of hormonal factors, heredity factors, social factors and how they were raised.
- Non-Committal types. I personally define these in two groups. The naturally non-committals and the unnatural non-committal
- Natural non-committals are those rather attractive types that have had many partners over time and fail to develop clear standards for their ideal mate. Some psychologists define this as lacking “object permanence”. Their explanation is that they cannot hold an image of that standard that any human fits and lives up to achieving. It is the unreachable star. It is the perfect one around the next bend until they see the flaws in that one, and it is a future one after that etc.
- Unnatural non-committals are those that fit a clinical diagnosis that uses/abuses persons without empathy (IE Narcissists, Borderline Personality Disorder or Antisocial-formerly called Sociopath and Psychopath).
The key to understanding each other most often is communicating with “active listening” and transparency. Some persons are so intuitively good at this. Like a psychologist, they are so fluid at summarizing or reframing what you said, adding content and reflecting your feelings that you both feel as if you are playing a symphony together and cooking a conversational casserole! All too often, however, it is the players, users, and psychopathic types playing you like a second-hand fiddle and moving on! You feel like reporting “a hit and run accident”!
Perhaps your last conversations involved differences of opinion/need in other social and emotional factors
- Social and emotional Factors:
- Social graces do not match. Perhaps you are too high maintenance or “high-brow” to him. Perhaps he sings “I Got Friends in Low Places” and he does!
- Friends do not match up for connnecting. Age, dress, interests, educational level, career, values, etc.
- Travel, distance and/or availability is not as expected.
- Maturity level. One emphasizes career, future, responsibility, 401k and insurance issues when the other wants play, silliness, drinking and video games. Perhaps even the ability to communicate, compromise and share equally are stunted.
- Politics, religion and your world view So many values in life regarding family, children, career, drugs, finances, spending, abortion, defense, government and God are different or avoided.
- Health patterns and expectations may be incompatible. Is there enough overlap between what you both can shop for groceries together, cook and eat together, and order from the same menu? Meat eaters dating vegans is a challenge. Health membership people often give up on an inactive person. Is fitness and activity generally important?
- Sports and interests are ways to enjoy your free time together. If there is not immediate agreement in some shared interests other than how you met (IE Drinking or internet), the relationship becomes strained when either seeks their quiet places to relax and their exciting places to get charged.
Some men are simpletons and not calling you may have just been a simple “B” factor to them: your breath, your breasts, their boat or the beer factor. Just maybe, therefore, they are the bimbos! Maybe its not meant to be!
All of this said above, we are now more keenly aware of making a more informed choice and investment in a better mate moving forward. Do not look back at the person who was unworthy of you. It was not a good match. Pray for discernment, insight, wisdom and good judgement moving ahead. Ask God to prepare your heart and the heart of the one you are meant to meet as he did Jacob and Rachel (Bible: Genesis 29). (See also related blog: Criteria for a Good Mate)
Wayne R. Faust, MA, SPE, HSP and Author of 300 Billion to One!
*Aromantic Asexual: A Guide to Understanding this Sexual Identity, by Natasha Ivanovic,www.hankypanky.com).
**The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
(Related: See also Dating Criteria for a Good Mate! at www.WayneRFaust.com or www.CandAMin.org or www.300BilliontoOne.com)